There are many things better left buried, largely and most notably old poetry that should NOT (alas, too late) be turned into song and caterwauled late into the night without even a drink to soften it.
But there are other things that make me laugh, and smile, even in these awkward, lonely sleep-drawn nights, where I roam this giant shell of a house that is what I thought I could be. I found an old notebook. What a treasure. It contains the following:
1. A list of things that keep my sister up at night, written in her pen, on the backside of a Southwest Gas envelope. “Mail the phone bill!” commands the end of her list. “Miriam promised to come home.” is an earlier item.
2. Notes on nationalism. “All discussion of nationalism tends to confuse political, psychological, cultural, and demographic. Identity fueled by exclusion. Power. Problems. So many problems.”
3. An unsent letter to a David, and I can’t remember which one. (!) “Dear David, Here’s a book I read, and I know that you don’t consider yourself a feminist, but you might as well do yourself just the one favor. I should have read this a long time ago, and so should you, but we all make mistakes, don’t we? Skip the intro- it’s misleading. I miss you and love you and know I’ll see you soon. I look forward to knowing when. Smiles. Always, Miriam.”
4. An outline– yes, indeed, an outline– of subjects to be discussed with some therapist years ago. Included are such topic headings as “Integrity,” “Interpersonal Relationships,” “Anxiety,” and “FEAR.” Subcategories to be considered are “charged longing for leadership” and “sex as a vehicle for WHAT?” and “teeth” and “insomnia” and “driving” and “eating” and “seeking validation from the systems I oppose.”
There are some things that never go away, but it’s good to know I’ve got lists when I need them.
Blogging, as I feared it would, makes me want to stick my online finger down my MySpace throat and enjoy the end result too much. I may be in love with myself. I guess that’s the point.
